i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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