Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize