Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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