It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
