yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
