Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
