Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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