last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
