The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
