Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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