i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
