a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
