My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
