if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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