I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
