My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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