I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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