i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
