Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
