I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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