i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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