I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
