I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
