I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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