Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
