I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
