Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
