I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
