I accidentally burped into my bong.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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