Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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