so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
