my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
