I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
