"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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