my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
whose ass print is on the piano?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have fence marks all over my body
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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