I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
