So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
