I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
