I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
