If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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