Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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