i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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