I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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