I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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