And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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