You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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