Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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