Soap is not a condiment
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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