Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize