he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
