I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
