We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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