I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
