Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
