dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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