I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
