Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
