he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
