I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
