I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
