1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
